Testing. . .Testing. . .1,2,3

Is anyone there?. . .

Probably not.

But I am!  

Even though it has been over a year since my last post, I am still here reading all the blogs on my roll.  But in a silent, stalker-type way.  A here and there, never commenting kind of way.  Here comes the whiny excuses- It's too hard to comment from my iphone!  Nobody cares about my boring day to day existence! I'm too lazy to figure out the new blogger format!  I have no time with a two-almost-three year old!  Yadda, yadda, yadda. . . Enough excuses.  Here I go. . .

Let's start with Maddy.  Love her more every day and I'm not just saying that.  I knew I was never a fan of the baby stage and boy was that ever the case with my colicky one.  Babies were always a means to an end, something I had to get through until it got good.  I'm not saying I didn't have my moments with her, but it was not an easy road.   Now, toddler hood?  Amazing!  Are there tantrums?  Yes!  Is she stubborn?  Yes!  Is she a master manipulator? Yes!  Does she put her arm around me and call me her best friend, tell me everyday how much she loves me, engage in the most delightful conversations, and make me laugh multiple times every single day?  Yes, yes, yes, and yes! (Was that enough yeses?)

Also, it helps that I am a teacher of young children.  She is only two years and two months away from being a five year old (Holy hell!  Did I just write that?) and I am experts on them, and six and seven year olds too.  Bring it on!

Having the summers off means lots of time home with Maddy.  Lots and lots of time!  Like what are we going to do all the days of the week time.  Yet this feels like my fastest summer yet.  Probably because I started it off with potty training.  Did it cold turkey style.  We are going on three weeks days and nights diaper free.  So scary, but so glad to be tackling it and eager to get it behind me.  She's doing terrific!   Way, way better than I ever imagined.  Nights are still a little rough, but I guess that's to be expected.  I still get paranoid leaving the house but I bring enough changes of clothes to stay a week for a trip to the grocery store.  She has to be pretty desperate to use a public restroom (hey-me too!) but she will do it eventually so that is good. 

She still loves the water and going out on her "Papa's" boat.  She wanted to wake board just like her mom and dad and couldn't understand why she couldn't.  DH went out there with her and we slowly idled and pulled her sitting on top of the wake board.  This was clearly not enough for her and she knew we were half-assing it.  Sometimes my cautious little one can be such a daredevil.  She still won't go one step without holding on, but she wants to ski and wake board like everyone else.  Who knew? She keeps me on my toes.

Oh and one other hurdle on her way to a big girl I'm dreading.  The pacifier!!!  She still uses it for nights and naps.  I am really not looking forward to taking those away in the near future.  I don't think she'll sleep again.  Paci fairy?  Does that even work? 

We are here.  Most days you can find me playing doctor, restaurant, Calli.ou (yes, she plays Calli.ou- like the show- it's horrible), and dress up.  This is my life now.  I love it!

Pictures anyone?

Water Baby

Or Water Toddler?

Either way Miss Maddy LOVES the water. She loved the water last summer too but wasn't able to fully interact with it as much as she gets to this summer.

This week, I took her to the pool for the first time this season.  She wanted to dive out of my arms and just freely explore the water.  Hard to do when you are only two and a half feet and the water is over four.  So she was forced to explore while in the confines of my arms.  That didn't stop her from kicking, paddling her arms and sticking her face in the water, laughing and squealing the entire time.

Then yesterday we went to a park with a water feature; tunnels full of spray, fountains erupting out of the ground, puddles to splash and play in.  She was in heaven!  She braved the tunnel spray and stuck her face in the middle of the fountains.

My normally reserved-in-public-but-a-complete-drama-queen-at-home little girl was so outgoing, confident and not afraid of what others think.  (Something she has been going through.)  She can be very sensitive and self conscious already.  Give her some water to play with and she comes alive.

Finally her dad has someone to swim with.

He will be thrilled.

Two Posts in One Day (This One Has Pictures)!

As you can see, she looks nothing like me and everything like her daddy.  Luckily it works!

19 Months

Maddy is such a little girl now.   I must do a picture post.  She has grown and changed like crazy.

Speaking of growing. . .She is a whopping 22 lbs 10 oz which moves her up to the. . .22%!  Whoa!  That's big for a little girl who has been stuck in the single digit percentile since she was four months old.  Her hair is growing too.  It is at quite an awkward stage now.  Long, straight hair from birth mixed in with shorter ringlet curls from new growth.  It is constantly in her eyes but at least she keeps clips and bows in her hair now so that helps. Not sure what to do with it.  I do think it needs  a trim at least though.  I had a friend cut it once when she was 10 months old and it was really short with bangs.  I want to grow it all the same length and my friend is pretty busy these days.  I think I need to bite the bullet and take her to a kid's cut type place.  Not sure if she'll sit still that long . . .

She is turning out to be a very sensitive, thoughtful, cautious, caring, spunky and energetic toddler.  All these traits rolled into one.  Makes for some very interesting moments.  If I attempt to discipline her at home she tests me and smiles and thinks it's great fun.  When I told her not to touch a friends eye at dinner out one night (and by told I mean I looked at her and shook my head, gestured and said, "No Madelyn. Please don't touch people's eyes."), I looked over a few seconds later to find her face crumpling and a big pouty lip forming.  The saddest part was she was trying to be brave and hide the fact that she was so upset.  Then pretty soon she couldn't control it anymore and started crying.  This kind of reaction has happened a handful of times recently.  She gets her feelings hurt and embarrassed easily.  Growing up is hard work!

She is not a big talker.  I have heard her say about 15-20 different words but she only uses about 5 or six consistently at one time.  She'd much rather sit (or run around) and take everything in.  She grabs my hand and drags me around the house to what she needs.  So she'd much rather communicate with gestures for now.  She is very verbal and constantly "talking."  Just not a lot of English yet.  The pedi was not concerned as long as she understood everything, which she does.  It is hard because I can't wait to converse with her and communicate through language.  I long to bond with her that way.  It is hard to not compare her to others her age.  I know she will get there.  Someday. . .

Otherwise she is, dancing, stacking, "reading", eating with a fork and spoon, hugging, kissing, laughing, kicking, throwing balls, throwing tantrums, climbing on the couch, sliding down slides at the playground, teething and being an absolute joy.  So much work, but so much joy.  I much prefer the toddler stage and all its challenges to the infant stage.  I have a tiny playmate now.  We go to the park together, go for walks together, go get ice cream together.  It is so much fun now!  And I think it is only going to get better. . .

That was a first. . .

Probably not the last. . .

And that's not a good thing.

Maddy had her first true meltdown temper tantrum in public today.  We had just finished a nice shopping trip to Old Navy and were in a book store where I was trying to use my gift card.  I let her out of her stroller to walk around because she was getting restless.  She had one of her dolls with her and was holding it while looking at the shelves of books.  Then some lady comes over and shows her a stuffed bear in her bag.  Great.  Maddy loves nothing more than stuffed animals.  She gets all giddy and excited.  Then of course, the lady has to go.  She waves bye and walks off.  Maddy starts the waterworks, back arching, hitting, kicking, etc.  It doesn't last long ( a few seconds really) and I get her distracted. 

The fit of all fits came when I had to put a book back on the shelf that she had removed.  All hell broke loose.  The screaming.  OMG! The screaming!  That girl can be so loud. I realize at this point, I will not be getting a book today.   I'm trying to carry her with one arm and push the stroller with the other.  People are staring and I am laughing.  I didn't know what else to do.  It was a pretty ridiculous sight.  It took all my strength just to hang on to her. 

We finally get to the car and then I had to wrestle her into the straps on the car seat.  She is thrashing about and screaming.  Surprisingly I stayed calm.  I guess that's what 12 years as an elementary school teacher gets you.  She'd get one arm free, I'd try again.  Over and over in what felt like an eternity although was probably more like five minutes.  I finally get her strapped in and it's when I'm putting her stroller in the car I loose it.  I felt like crying myself.  Bad, bad flashbacks of her colic days. 

Sure we've had fussing and some crying before, but nothing like this at home or out.   It was a perfect storm scenario for sure. We have just started one nap a day for the past week.  Usually around 11:30.  That's been hard enough for her. Now one of her eye teeth is coming in.  Teething equals no sleep for Maddy.  She was pretty restless last night.   So we had a grumpy, teething, sleep deprived baby who got something taken from her and threw a major fit. 

On a different note.  I got my IUD yesterday.  I was dreading the insertion.  I don't know what I was worried about.  It didn't hurt anymore than a pap smear and hardly any cramping.   I guess it takes a few months to see lighter periods.  Can't wait!

IUD?

Yesterday I went to my gyno.  I haven't seen him since six weeks after Maddy was born. My periods have come like clockwork once a month since April but they have been SO heavy.  Like wake up in a puddle of blood and gushing every time I stand up heavy.  I am pretty much out of commission for a 24 hour period when AF is in town.  Luckily the heavy days have never been when I'm working or I don't know what I'd do.  It got to the point I couldn't take it anymore.

I had a feeling what he would say.  I had a similar problem when I was 18 and it got so bad I needed a D&C and then was put on birth control pills.  BCP arent' really an option for me anymore with my high blood pressure.  That leaves an IUD to regulate my hormones.

The only problem with an IUD- it is also great birth control.  DH and I are not going to go through another IVF cycle to have children.  We are very aware this means we will only have one child.  Poor DH however holds out hope that we will miraculously conceive one month.  The odds of that are slim to none.  I know it and he knows it.  But he can still fantasize and hope that one little swimmer will make it.

Going on birth control however, puts the nail on the coffin.  It says I am totally giving up on having another child (at least a spontaneously occurring one).  I know I could always remove it and try IVF again if I really wanted to. 

If DH didn't want another this would make things so much easier.  It's ironic considering how indifferent he was to children before.  If we had one fine, if we didn't fine (before our IF diagnosis of course).  Now he would take a houseful and I'm the one who's done.

So I am feeling guilty for needing to use birth control.  He's not making me feel this way but I am.  It is so silly considering just how infertile we are.  Like we don't already have effective birth control now with IF.  Why not seal the deal and have lighter periods too?

Why am I making this so hard?

It Never Gets Old

As I was wrapping Maddy's gifts last night while she was sleeping, I wrote on a tag:

To: Madelyn

From:  Mommy and Daddy
           We love you so much!

And then it hit me, as it has so many times in the past. 

I am a mom. 

There is a tiny human toddling around our home.  A little girl who demands the tree, garland and village lights be turned on every morning.  A little girl who will soon be spoiled with too many gifts from family.  A little girl I never thought would be a part of our lives.

It is so easy to get swept up in the day to day hustle and bustle of motherhood.  Then out of nowhere it hits me like a ton of bricks.  I stop in my tracks and take it all in.  She is here.  All those struggles with infertility and in spite of it all, she is here. 

Just the other day it happened when I tripped over a toy.  I bent down to pick it up and then stared in amazement.  There are baby toys in my house.  I have a baby.  Or when I'm folding her laundry, or packing a diaper bag, or watching the back of her head as she walks to the door.  These moments take my breath away.

Does it sound strange to still be shocked you're a mother 15 months after the birth of your child?  I wonder if it will every end. 

I kind of hope it doesn't.